I feel like I'm no longer interesting. See, I mostly sit at home during the week and watch t.v. while I hunt for a job, and on the weekends I sit at home with my fiance because he hates going out since he's always so tired. The only time I get out is to grocery shop, or if I beg Dave, or if I find someone who wants to hang out with me on their day off. I feel like I'm either aggravating people with my presence or boring them to death since I have hardly anything interesting to say these days.
How I am supposed not to be depressed? I'm getting fat from never being active, and I sleep so freaking much yet have no energy.
Perhaps I'm supposed to use this time to just meditate, to fix inner things that are wrong with me, or get closer to The Source, but the thought of sitting quiet and just thinking is making me insane with grief! I can't even sit here and write in silence, I've got my projectplaylist playing in another tab!
It's now the norm for my eyes to be smaller than that of a bug or a stoner, I no longer need to stretch my eyelids in wonder of the world around me, because nothing happens to me. I don't shower as often as I should, and this place is a total mess from my total lack of energy and want to clean it.
I'm here all day and I have no want to do a damn thing to change what I hate about this place!!!
I'm starting to go back into being depressed, and I think it's going to be very bad for me since I stopped taking Prozac once I moved up here.
All I wanna do is shop...
With what money?
All I wanna do is eat fast food...
With what money?
Being out of work causes too many problems for me.
Without a job I have no social life, no human interaction, no chance to be out in the sunlight, no activity to burn the food I eat, no money for leisurely things like dates with Dave or a burger. The only money I make is from donating plasma, and I only made $20 last time I went on Monday.
I also have no schedule at all. I sleep when I want, eat when I want, pee when I want, shower when I want...
I NEED STRUCTURE IN MY LIFE!!!!! I'm like a small child, I have to have a routine or I go off the rails with insanity.
Not being around anyone other than Dave 90% of my time has made me real squirrely. If I did spend any time with people I think I might actually freak them out!
I probably look like this....
Yeah, that's totally pleasant.
It might seem funny, but it's not. I really do look all crazy eyed and like I'm freaking out.
"Holy crap is this what the world looks like?" - me
"Yes" - Whomever I'm with
"Oh, my god, a person...and another one...there's so many humans out there!!!" - Me
"Please, don't touch me!" - Random person
"I'm making sure you are real!" - Me
Yeah, I WOULD do that in real life. I DO touch people sometimes to make sure that they are real and to remind myself what they feel like when I touch them...also to make myself believe that they are real and have feelings and a life so that I don't flip out and kill them all.
Like this guy...
